HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010!

There is something inherently good about this year... I have no idea what makes me believe that, but I believe it.

frustration

I'm wound tight, and I'm not sure how to go about uncoiling. There's no reason for this teeth clenching anger that's bubbling up inside of me tonight. Every little thing is grating on my nerves, and making me feel vile. I cringe internally, and immediately send up a silent apology...

support systems and connections

The following excerpt is from a blog that was never to be... still, I feel the message is one worth sharing. I have spent so much time stressing about, and cultivating relationships in the past several years... What I'm finding now, is the ones that mean the most are the ones who've consistently, and often times quietly been in my corner. The people who were content to hang back unless called upon. The ones who care about people they've never met simply because they are important to me. I've struggled against myself, made unfair comparisons, and generally took a couple really great people for granted. It's only in looking back, that you can see who's been there consistently, and in looking back I am overjoyed. The people who've been there, and continue to be there, are etched in my heart and my mind for all time.



Today has been stressful. It's been about being unselfish, stepping up to the plate, and taking the responsibilities of friendship to a whole new level. Feeling your heart ache because one of your best friends is hurting... now that's a sobering feeling. I am not now, nor will I ever be a cold, callous, uncaring human being. I have so much love and affection for the people who've graced my life. The ones who have come together to support each other in whatever capacity they are able. The ones who step in and help friends of friends,even when they don't have to... Amazing people, all of them.

electronic memories

Retaining so much of my past on a machine that sits on my lap every day isn't always such a great thing... Damn you electronic memories. Why do you torment me so?

I so rarely blog these days. I'm afraid I just don't know what to say... I've thought about creating a new blog, an anonymous blog, but then decided I don't possess that kind of devotion. People who really blog put a lot into it, and it's just not something I can see myself doing. My original reason for blogging was to connect with friends, people I wanted to stay in touch with. All that is gone. So, I'm left wondering why I even come here. It feels pointless.

Let's see... what have I learned? I've learned that sometimes relationships blossom and sometimes they rot on the vine. I've learned that taking away the one thing a person wants most is an excellent way to clear the senses. It changes everything...for better or worse. It'll never be the same. And then I've learned that sometimes once in a lifetimes happen twice... if you're really lucky.

I've learned to enjoy solitude on my evening walks when everyone abandons me in lieu of other, more important things. In some ways it feels like going home when I'm walking the old roads. I breathe it in, and feel tears spring to my eyes... a cleansing of the soul... A time to accept what is, and what will never be. A time to be thankful for all this beautiful world around me. A time to reflect on what's important, and what needs to be released. A time to send up a prayer of thanks for those who encourage, and love me every day... I have been blessed in so many, sometimes unexpected ways. :)

It may be a long time before I come here again... It may be tomorrow. I just don't know what this means to me anymore. Certainly not what it once did...

strong enough

Turns out I am strong enough... July was the begining of something new. I don't remember if my last post marked a turning point, but if not, then soon afterwards. For the past three weeks I've been able to stick to a walking routine, and I'm teaching myself about moderation. I'm learning to live a new way, or maybe I'm simply becoming reaquainted with an older set of standards.

I don't know what's different now, and yet... I do. I've been given precious gifts in some pretty unexpected places. I've been blessed with supporting souls. :) I survery my current place in life, and discover it bears little resemblence to the destination I had envisioned...


The dreams have ceased altogether... I don't know if that's a permanent state, or if I'll revisit them someday. The last dream I remember left me saddened, but I believe it also served a purpose. I needed an apology, and even though none came in reality, I discovered through a dream that my heart had already fogiven on the most basic level.


I'm unsure of my future, but I think maybe that's just the way it's supposed to be. Besides...I don't need to know how my story ends. :)

falling down

Well, I finally stepped on the scale this morning. I'm sad, and a little angry with myself. I've gained back most of the weight I've lost in the past three years. I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen, and then I let depression, and stress make a liar of me.

I have no one to blame but myself. I knew better. I knew where my life choices were leading me, and that it was a train wreck just waiting to happen. I allowed myself to live in denial. I even convinced myself that it was OK. It would make me, what? Happy? If I just indulge in a slow suicide...

I've fallen down. The question in my mind is, Am I strong enough to pick myself back up?

detours and dreams

I never thought I would expend so much energy trying to repress emotions. I've been preaching self expression for a long time. I thought that was my path to happiness. Maybe it still is, but I'm on a detour. An unfamiliar, sad detour...

I dreamed this morning, and though I've been determined to not let it weaken my resolve, I will admit I've allowed it more thought than I should. I don't want to recount it here. Besides, I can't put what was unspoken into words anyway... and I don't need to indulge the part of my heart that still hurts.

speechless

I feel like I've lost my voice...words fail me.

time

Time did not stand still, nor did it cease to exist. It is, as it has always been...ticking away slowly to the rhythm of my life.

internal struggle

I'm hesitant to post this entry written on May 2, 2009. It's not a pretty peek into the innermost workings of my mind. Still when I read it, I see truth in the words. A truth that screams for attention when I'm struggling with raging hormones and disappointments.


I'm out of sorts
slipping further and faster
every single moment that passes.

Rage.
Hurt.
Disgust.

Directed at myself.
My friends.
Everyone.

Doing everything I don't need to.
Wishing I could wave a magic wand.
Clear up this mess.
Make things nice and perfect.

Not gonna happen.
Not today
Not tomorrow
Not ever...

I am here
As I have always been.
You are the ones who move through my life
Through the very heart of me.

I sense change, that is not meant for me...

laughter

It's a beautiful thing...

I didn't wake up today expecting to laugh, or the be poetic, or just plain silly. Just goes to show you that you can't plan every day down to the minute. I think we need a general outline, but also need to stay flexible enough to allow room for the little things that mean so much in the end.

I like being random, when I'm feeling playful. I like being insightful when I'm trying to figure out my world...And I love those people who can follow along, and embrace those qualities in me.

troubled

I think I should seriously consider taking up meditation, or yoga, or....drinking.

Breathe in, breathe out... repeat.

weakness

My head says, "You were wrong. Accept it." My heart says," Don't give up just yet."



In my dreams now, it's always the same. Peace shattered by fear and distrust. In my dreams I cry, I beg, I have no shame...only sadness. In my dreams you aren't strong enough to stand by me...

BBC Personality Questionaire

My Results


Extraversion

Some people like lots of stimulation; they want people around them, activity and excitement, whilst others prefer to be able to focus on things in a calm and quiet environment. Most people prefer a blend of the two extremes and your answers suggest that you are quite comfortable in either situation. You can probably cope with things being a bit hectic or a bit quiet but, like most people, you may find extremes in either direction uncomfortable or annoying.

Confidence

Some people make decisions very easily and tend not to worry about them before or afterwards while, at the other extreme, some people are so careful and cautious that the decisions never get made! Taking a cautious approach can be a good thing (do you want to fly with a pilot that is so free from worry and concern that she never checks her controls and instruments and doesn't bother to communicate with air-traffic control?) and you seem to have described yourself as someone who does tend to be quite cautious and careful. This can be very important in detailed work or areas were mistakes can have a major cost although you may find yourself avoiding risks and many cautious people wish they were bolder.


Openness

While some people like experimenting with new things and ideas, others prefer traditional methods and taking a very practical approach to problems.

Your answers suggest that you may be reluctant at times to consider new approaches and ways of doing things, but that you understand the value of tried and proven methods and of lessons that have already been learnt.

Agreeableness

Most people want to be able to get on with others but to some it is the most important thing in the world, whilst others are quite happy to upset someone else if it means that things get done.

Your answers suggest that getting on with people is very important to you, that you may well be eager to help others and avoid disagreements, perhaps sometimes even when you think you should be firmer with them.


Conscientiousness

Some people like everything to be well planned, tidy and organised, whilst others prefer to deal with things as they come up and appear to work in absolute chaos.

Your answers suggest that you don't like having things too structured or being tied down and you can cope quite well without having to have everything organised. This may make it hard to find things at times or for colleagues to know where you are or what you are doing, but you probably find coping with the unexpected (the things your colleagues didn't plan for!) easier than many.

This questionnaire can't tell you exactly what you are like; it doesn't go into enough detail and only helps you ask questions about the way you behave and make decisions in your occupation. Don't rely on it to tell you what your personality is like but use it to think about the different ways that people go about doing things. Read each description, ask yourself if it sounds like you (and it may not!)

look beyond yourself

The thought just occurred to me that maybe I'm only seeing life from one perspective. Mine. Obviously, I can only see the world as I see it. But I've always thought I had an ability to be open minded, and see through the eyes of someone else. Take myself out of the equation.

I'm so preoccupied with how I've been let down by others, that maybe I haven't even been aware of the ways I've let them down... It was never my intention. I'm just afraid.

Lakota Prayer

So very beautiful...

Wakan Tanka, Great Mystery,
teach me how to trust
my heart,
my mind,
my intuition,
my inner knowing,
the senses of my body,
the blessings of my spirit.
Teach me to trust these things
so that I may enter my Sacred Space
and love beyond my fear,
and thus Walk in Balance
with the passing of each glorious Sun.

According to the Native People, the Sacred Space
is the space between exhalation and inhalation.
To Walk in Balance is to have Heaven (spirituality)
and Earth (physicality) in Harmony.

...

I convince myself that it doesn't matter in the light of day, but when darkness falls,suddenly... it does.

Surrender?

I feel like throwing in the towel, waving the white flag. There are some things you can't fight for alone...

The Boy In Striped Pajamas

“Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows.” -John Betjemen.





This movie is definitely one worth watching.

nostalgic

I miss the days of chasing fireflies, and believing that heaven was a meadow of wild flowers on a sunny Summer day...

I guess we all look back on a more simple time, and feel a little wistful. It's not that I want to live those days again. I just want to recapture the bubbles of hope and joy that sprang up inside a girl who believed anything was possible.

She's not gone...She's just tired of trying to convince the world that she's still here.

Disconnected

I'm still feeling disconnected, but I've decided that disconnected doesn't have to equal dishonesty. I can be honest about feeling withdrawn. It doesn't reflect my feelings for those around me. I love those people very much. If falling into them, and letting myself be carried for a little while would solve anything, I'd breathe a huge sigh of relief, and give myself over completely... Isn't it a shame that reality doesn't work that way?

In a strange sort of way, I think I'm learning what it means to live for today, and not some day in the future. I'm also learning that living for today means different things to different people, and that the meaning is subject to change within any given person depending on the events that lead up to every new day.

Late night thoughts

The door dreams seem to have come to a halt. They have been replaced by dreams that leave me feeling vulnerable, and in immediate danger... It's disturbing. Last night I had one of my vivid dreams that I typically refer to as being a bit hallucinogenic in nature. I woke myself up trying to convince myself that I couldn't be seeing what I thought I was seeing. Even upon waking, it was hard to shake the feeling, and the images that were tormenting my mind... I've dreamed this way all of my life.

Something is changing within me. I spend more energy muting my emotions, and disconnecting than I care to share. It's making me critical of the people around me, and of myself. I feel a little cynical...some days, a lot.

A very close friend of mine asked me if I was mad the other night... I hadn't called in a couple days. Honestly if she hadn't called me then, we wouldn't have talked. We haven't talked since... Of course I wasn't mad. I love her dearly. I just don't feel like I need to talk right now. I'm not sure what I need right now...

I'm in over my head.

Doors that won't stay shut

A recurring theme in my dreams lately has left me searching for answers. The common thread is that I am alone, and I'm feeling vulnerable. I'm disturbed by the fact that doors are opening(this happens in different ways depending on the dream) when I want them to be locked tight. I decided to google for some dream analysis. After all what can't one find through a google search? The following is an excerpt from a book that resonates within me.

My door won't Close!

I understand that a house can represent one's body. My recurrent dream has me unable to make my door stay closed. Although I lock the door and repeatedly slam it to get it to latch, the door opens easily, causing me concern.


Doors in the language of dreams can represent new opportunities or a transition into a new state of being. In the metaphor of the house, the door may represent the heart. So I ask this dreamer if he is willing to open his heart to a new opportunity for love or a transition in matters of the heart? Since he slams the door shut and locks it, he may have been hurt and is now protecting himself. Just like a child who touches a candle flame, once hurt we are often resistant to making ourselves vulnerable again. Apparently, his unconscious mind wants him to be open to new possibilities. Since the door opens easily, perhaps he is fearful that he will fall in love too easily, or is too accepting. If he has lost himself in relationships, he should redefine and reinforce his sense of self and venture on. We can learn from past pain to protect ourselves and still be available to love.

Though I don't think this is completely accurate, I felt something click when I read it. Part of me, even on a conscious level wants to be open, and share intimate details about my life with those I feel connected to. Circumstances and events have taught me that maybe this isn't a wise feeling to indulge... It's a sad lesson, and on some level I think maybe I am rejecting it with everything I am.

They can because they think they can.

Today's fortune straight from the cookie gods!

I need to get the "I think I can" back in my life!

me, me, me...

I've been questioning why I don't seem to care anymore if I've walked, or if I've eaten cake...why I've stopped caring about the person who stares back at me when I look in the mirror. (Most days I don't bother to look.) You can call it depression if you like. I call it accepting reality. This is my life, and my motivation for changing it no longer exists... My hopes raised their pretty, innocent looking heads and spit in my face.