I'm hesitant to post this entry written on May 2, 2009. It's not a pretty peek into the innermost workings of my mind. Still when I read it, I see truth in the words. A truth that screams for attention when I'm struggling with raging hormones and disappointments.
I'm out of sorts
slipping further and faster
every single moment that passes.
Rage.
Hurt.
Disgust.
Directed at myself.
My friends.
Everyone.
Doing everything I don't need to.
Wishing I could wave a magic wand.
Clear up this mess.
Make things nice and perfect.
Not gonna happen.
Not today
Not tomorrow
Not ever...
I am here
As I have always been.
You are the ones who move through my life
Through the very heart of me.
I sense change, that is not meant for me...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
laughter
It's a beautiful thing...
I didn't wake up today expecting to laugh, or the be poetic, or just plain silly. Just goes to show you that you can't plan every day down to the minute. I think we need a general outline, but also need to stay flexible enough to allow room for the little things that mean so much in the end.
I like being random, when I'm feeling playful. I like being insightful when I'm trying to figure out my world...And I love those people who can follow along, and embrace those qualities in me.
I didn't wake up today expecting to laugh, or the be poetic, or just plain silly. Just goes to show you that you can't plan every day down to the minute. I think we need a general outline, but also need to stay flexible enough to allow room for the little things that mean so much in the end.
I like being random, when I'm feeling playful. I like being insightful when I'm trying to figure out my world...And I love those people who can follow along, and embrace those qualities in me.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
troubled
I think I should seriously consider taking up meditation, or yoga, or....drinking.
Breathe in, breathe out... repeat.
Breathe in, breathe out... repeat.
Monday, May 11, 2009
weakness
My head says, "You were wrong. Accept it." My heart says," Don't give up just yet."
In my dreams now, it's always the same. Peace shattered by fear and distrust. In my dreams I cry, I beg, I have no shame...only sadness. In my dreams you aren't strong enough to stand by me...
In my dreams now, it's always the same. Peace shattered by fear and distrust. In my dreams I cry, I beg, I have no shame...only sadness. In my dreams you aren't strong enough to stand by me...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
BBC Personality Questionaire
My Results
Extraversion
Some people like lots of stimulation; they want people around them, activity and excitement, whilst others prefer to be able to focus on things in a calm and quiet environment. Most people prefer a blend of the two extremes and your answers suggest that you are quite comfortable in either situation. You can probably cope with things being a bit hectic or a bit quiet but, like most people, you may find extremes in either direction uncomfortable or annoying.
Confidence
Some people make decisions very easily and tend not to worry about them before or afterwards while, at the other extreme, some people are so careful and cautious that the decisions never get made! Taking a cautious approach can be a good thing (do you want to fly with a pilot that is so free from worry and concern that she never checks her controls and instruments and doesn't bother to communicate with air-traffic control?) and you seem to have described yourself as someone who does tend to be quite cautious and careful. This can be very important in detailed work or areas were mistakes can have a major cost although you may find yourself avoiding risks and many cautious people wish they were bolder.
Openness
While some people like experimenting with new things and ideas, others prefer traditional methods and taking a very practical approach to problems.
Your answers suggest that you may be reluctant at times to consider new approaches and ways of doing things, but that you understand the value of tried and proven methods and of lessons that have already been learnt.
Agreeableness
Most people want to be able to get on with others but to some it is the most important thing in the world, whilst others are quite happy to upset someone else if it means that things get done.
Your answers suggest that getting on with people is very important to you, that you may well be eager to help others and avoid disagreements, perhaps sometimes even when you think you should be firmer with them.
Conscientiousness
Some people like everything to be well planned, tidy and organised, whilst others prefer to deal with things as they come up and appear to work in absolute chaos.
Your answers suggest that you don't like having things too structured or being tied down and you can cope quite well without having to have everything organised. This may make it hard to find things at times or for colleagues to know where you are or what you are doing, but you probably find coping with the unexpected (the things your colleagues didn't plan for!) easier than many.
This questionnaire can't tell you exactly what you are like; it doesn't go into enough detail and only helps you ask questions about the way you behave and make decisions in your occupation. Don't rely on it to tell you what your personality is like but use it to think about the different ways that people go about doing things. Read each description, ask yourself if it sounds like you (and it may not!)
Extraversion
Some people like lots of stimulation; they want people around them, activity and excitement, whilst others prefer to be able to focus on things in a calm and quiet environment. Most people prefer a blend of the two extremes and your answers suggest that you are quite comfortable in either situation. You can probably cope with things being a bit hectic or a bit quiet but, like most people, you may find extremes in either direction uncomfortable or annoying.
Confidence
Some people make decisions very easily and tend not to worry about them before or afterwards while, at the other extreme, some people are so careful and cautious that the decisions never get made! Taking a cautious approach can be a good thing (do you want to fly with a pilot that is so free from worry and concern that she never checks her controls and instruments and doesn't bother to communicate with air-traffic control?) and you seem to have described yourself as someone who does tend to be quite cautious and careful. This can be very important in detailed work or areas were mistakes can have a major cost although you may find yourself avoiding risks and many cautious people wish they were bolder.
Openness
While some people like experimenting with new things and ideas, others prefer traditional methods and taking a very practical approach to problems.
Your answers suggest that you may be reluctant at times to consider new approaches and ways of doing things, but that you understand the value of tried and proven methods and of lessons that have already been learnt.
Agreeableness
Most people want to be able to get on with others but to some it is the most important thing in the world, whilst others are quite happy to upset someone else if it means that things get done.
Your answers suggest that getting on with people is very important to you, that you may well be eager to help others and avoid disagreements, perhaps sometimes even when you think you should be firmer with them.
Conscientiousness
Some people like everything to be well planned, tidy and organised, whilst others prefer to deal with things as they come up and appear to work in absolute chaos.
Your answers suggest that you don't like having things too structured or being tied down and you can cope quite well without having to have everything organised. This may make it hard to find things at times or for colleagues to know where you are or what you are doing, but you probably find coping with the unexpected (the things your colleagues didn't plan for!) easier than many.
This questionnaire can't tell you exactly what you are like; it doesn't go into enough detail and only helps you ask questions about the way you behave and make decisions in your occupation. Don't rely on it to tell you what your personality is like but use it to think about the different ways that people go about doing things. Read each description, ask yourself if it sounds like you (and it may not!)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
look beyond yourself
The thought just occurred to me that maybe I'm only seeing life from one perspective. Mine. Obviously, I can only see the world as I see it. But I've always thought I had an ability to be open minded, and see through the eyes of someone else. Take myself out of the equation.
I'm so preoccupied with how I've been let down by others, that maybe I haven't even been aware of the ways I've let them down... It was never my intention. I'm just afraid.
I'm so preoccupied with how I've been let down by others, that maybe I haven't even been aware of the ways I've let them down... It was never my intention. I'm just afraid.
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