Happiness...

Why is it so damn hard to just be happy? Why is there always that something just out of reach? If only I had that I could breathe deeply and finally relax into contentment. No....I'm afraid it just doesn't work that way. At least not for me. A few weeks ago, I said I would be happy and stop questioning everything as soon as a certain situation cleared up. That's when I would stop taking every breath for granted... I would enjoy my days and nights and live. No matter what anyone else was doing, or what happened to be going on, I was going to breathe a long sigh of relief and just float for a while....I would be happy, and smile, and see the good in everything... And damn it, I'm trying...really trying to do just that. I've been peaceful, I've had an abundance of patience. I've had as many as six kids in my house at any given time and not been driven insane... I've been sacking out on the swing every chance I get. In the morning while I eat breakfast, in the afternoon, and at night. I just want to take in some goodness... I want to soak it up. I swept all the floors yesterday, my dishes aren't piling up, and I'm working at getting the laundry done....every single day, I've been busy with something constructive at some point. And you know what? When I get quiet, and really want to settle into not thinking at all...I feel hollow inside. Maybe hollow isn't the right word... I feel flooded with everything and nothing all at once. I have a lump in my throat right now....I'm anxious, and I don't even know why exactly. I'm tired and even though I need to go to bed, I dread it. The nights are so long these days...